Wednesday, November 09, 2005

fading in and fading out

I have this theory of myself according to which I can fade in and out as it pleases me. I also have this empirical evidence according to which if I fade in and out too much I either get lost or get hurt. My theory works perfectly well. It always predicts when and where, even how, should I fade in and out. This however, does not make the fading in and out less dangerous. Right now, for instance, I'm fading out. That is exactly what it takes to be writing about oneself. Even more if one is talking about oneself's theories of oneself. I do not know how many steps towards disappearance am I heading to right now. That is just beyond the reach of my theory; it does not work by degrees. It just works as some sort of threshold detector. It tells me when I cross it back and forth. Right now, for instance, it is pounding so hard that it makes me think I am just under the sensor, under the threshold, right below the 'and' of 'fading in and fading out'.

However, no matter how painful or dangerous the act might be, I've found out my theory and my fading to be completely fruitful. At some point it is also even completely safe. For if, like me now, you manage to stay under the threshold you will see that no wrong or danger can possibly reach you. Not because you start being invincible but because you stop being someone. Actually, according to my theory, there is no you with whom I - or you for that matter - could be talking to. This - fading in and out- happens to me a lot when I let myself fall in love. At some point of the infatuation I literally stop, turn around and laugh at myself: childishly foolished by life once more! No matter how many times this happens to me, it seems, I will just keep falling in the trap. I'll just keep fading in and fading out.